I lost a friend about two years ago. They just sort of left without any promise of trying to salvage the friendship we had.
They left and they blamed the failed friendship on me.
As an INFJ, it was so easy to blame myself.
But, honestly. I blamed myself a lot–so much that I kept trying to save our relationship for almost a year after it had pretty much ended.
As a type that has a “third eye” for emotional needs in situations, I often feel protective of my relationships– like it’s entirely my job to keep things afloat.
And…. It’s not entirely my job.
WHEW! Thank goodness.
RelationShips are boats that need a two person crew working all the time to keep it afloat.
But, really. No one person can sail a RelationShip.
Either it goes the wrong way and someone jumps ship, or it sinks.
And, we both let the ship sink.
And last night, a whole two years after my friendship had failed, I just broke down and cried.
And it wasn’t out of the blue. I had heard a song that we used to sing together in the car and my fiance loves his favorite video game and I played it for the first time that night. And honestly, the wave had been growing steadily, and it finally reached me and took me for a spin like a towel in a washing machine.
Or like this guy eating noodles?….
Nights like these had been really hard until last night. Because, when your best friend and fiance is an INTJ, they aren’t really gifted at just listening to you vent and cry. INTJs try to fix everything– because, that’s a logical thing to do when something is broken.
But, somethings are irreparable, like that friendship. And some things you just have to mourn. And for those of you who have an INTJ as a friend or significant other. They can be there for you, but you can’t expect it of them right away.
The INTJs just want to do this when emotions arise.
INTJs don’t see the logic in crying over something that can’t be fixed. Nothing can be done and they somehow seem to accept this pretty early on after a tragedy like losing a friend.
It takes some time for them to understand that the xxFxs in their life don’t really get over things that easily. They process in facts and we process in feelings– so while they accept that the friendship is over, we process all of the good times we will never have again or all of the hurt we experienced.
This is how we process and it is not a flaw. And how they process isn’t a flaw either. We just need to understand this difference about each other.
So, now, I understand that when I ask how my fiance feels about something and he says fine, he is really okay. And he has learned that when I cry over something that happened a long time ago that he is not responsible for fixing something that can’t be– I just process the event differently.
Hurray for differences! We get to flourish in the strengths of those around us and in our own.